Words from the heart

I've never been good with words. Not really. I can be well spoken enough, I suppose. A good education, being groomed for an Executive position, and a stint in the military as an officer made sure I could speak eloquently. There were just some things I was never good at getting out. Like emotions.

It started as a normal enough night at Firefly's. As normal as any could be with the crew there. But I'd grown awful fond of the place, and 'Brina and Imhrien were both DJ's and Dancers there, so I had ulterior motives. Not really sure how to describe how it wound up though, with Immers making a batch of Dancer's Label Gin (not sure I want to describe how it's made, but it gave me reason to want to try some) and Owl showing up out of the blue.

That came as kind of a shock, as I hadn't spoken to her in four or five years. Not exactly the best of friends, but I had to admit I was happy to see she was still alive. I'd barely even thought of the bolixed Op that we'd wound up working together since I left the service. But here she was, on Blackburne, bringing me my knife back. I'd have to catch up with her later and find out what'd happened over the intervening years.

Like most nights at Firefly's, I spent most of it dancing with Sabrina. There's a world of comfort in her arms, but there were things I still needed to say. I think Imrhien was a little surprised when Sabrina and I came over and told her we needed to talk. 'Brina knew I had things to say, but not what.

Imrhien flew back with us to Hale's, talking with Sabrina back in the passenger compartment until after I set us down back on the pad. I thought by the time we got back I'd have my thoughts sorted out and be able to say what I needed to say and make it all come out right.

I almost did.

How do you tell the two women you love the most in the whole 'Verse how you feel about them? How do you explain to the woman you love, but can't have, that the pain you felt seeing her with someone else, the jealous, jealous pain, was good? That being able to feel the pain was worth it?

Imrhien told me it was never intentional, that she'd never meant to hurt me and I knew it was true. From the depths of my heart I knew it was true. She loved me too. Sabrina as well. Maybe not the desperate, unattainable love, that brought my heart back to life, but a love pure and true just the same.

And Sabrina. Oh dear gods, Sabrina. Even held between them, tears coming unchecked, I could barely find the words to express what I was feeling. Imrhien had shown me I was still alive. Could still love. And Sabrina. By dear sweet Sabrina. Giving me a reason to live. I could barely speak thorugh the tears. Emotions I'd kept locked away for so long. Tears of joy. Tears of relase. A weight lifting from my heart. I wanted that perfect moment to last for ever, tears and all. I knew it couldn't, but it would be etched in my mind in crystal clarity as long as I drew breath. The touch, the love, the comforting presense. of the two women I held most dear.

We talked together most of the night. Tears fading, the moment held.

You may never read these words in my diary. But I love you both. Imrhien, you showed me I could love. Sabrina, you showed me someone could love me back. Debts I can never repay. But as long as I draw breath, I will strive to be worthy of the gift you've given me. Strive to be worthy of your love.

Time now, to sleep.