Watcher in the darkness

What have I become?

Since Simon publicly announced at a Town Council meeting that we were getting married, I've found myself retreated from public life.  So many changes on the colony surface, and in the social structure, that I barely recognize it even as I watch the world change outside.  And Simon . . . dear Simon.  I would ask "where have you gone?" but I know where you've gone, even if you don't think I do, or can. I know.  I see, sometimes, more than I want to see.  But hint: If you want to marry me, you have to actually be around enough for me to accept it'll be the right thing.  I think though he knew as well as I that a couple of Spooks will never have a normal life.  Let alone a normal life together.

The network, my network, continues to grow.  The information comes, is parsed, analyzed, sorted, prioritized, then, sometimes, sold, to pay for the growth of the network.  There is more coming in than I can ever absorb myself.  I know that.  I don't even try.  That's what my analysts are for.  To pare it down into digestible pieces so I can see into the workings of the 'Verse.  Only one or two of my team know, even suspect, really, why I am doing what I'm doing.  Blue knows.  He sees it all.  I'm sure he comprehends it all in the totality as well, even if he won't share his insights.

I trust him.  Oddly.  Perhaps I have no choice but to trust him.  But I do.  He's withheld information, or spoken in riddles, but he's never lied to me.  He's never hurt me, or anyone I've cared for.  He is a friend, even if "he" is an arbitrary pronoun for a being that has no gender, or physical form, and exists entirely in a digital space.

I believe I am on the right course.  If I am right . . .

If I am right, and this is not all some grandiose fantasy, I am gently nudging us onto a course that assures our ultimate survival.  It won't be an easy journey, or a short one, but it means that everything we have become will continue into a long, long, future.

If I am wrong?  There are myriad ways I can be wrong, starting with the initial premise.  If I have that wrong, then the reason behind everything I am doing is for naught.  The immediate outcome will be beneficial but the long term goal will be irrelevant.  There are countless ways, even if I'm right, to screw this up: from simple failure, to being too short sighted, to being stymied by someone with opposing goals.

What of my girls?  I watch them.  I try and guide and support where I can, but I think I've failed as a mother.  Or even as a mother figure.  Maybe Haley considers me a good "mother," or at least a good Human.  But Beagles are easy to please and she's orders of magnitude easier to be a mother to than my girls.

I don't know how they will turn out.  How any of this will turn out.  The scope is longer than a human lifetime.  Linger than several human lifetimes.  I won't live long enough to see it come to fruition, or even to see what my girls become - Buddha willing - but I know there is a reason I do what I do.

Watching.

Alone.

From the darkness.

Watcher in the dark
Cling to a sense of purpose
Hoping I am right