The long flight home

My Matagi, Wave Equation, could make the run from Hale's Moon, well, Dragon's Egg, now, to Ariel in around two days.  That was assuming average orbital distances and running at maximum efficient cruise.  I could do it faster, but the extra fuel burn wasn't really worth it.  Depending on how you set your course and whether you punched in a mid-trip burn, you could do it in a 'Fly in less then a week.

We weren't setting any records for speed on this trip.

Simon had plotted several stops along with way, ostensibly to pick up fresh food and supplies and give Meddie a chance to stretch her legs and see the surface on a few of the worlds along the route.   The real reason was to give us more time together to get to actually know each other.  Near as I could tell, his mind had been long made up.  He wouldn't have braved talking to Grandfather if he wasn't serious.  Thing was, I still had misgivings.

When I'd fallen for Caitlin I was, admittedly, young and naive and a bit sexually repressed.  Ok.  More than a bit.  She'd opened my eyes, so to speak, to things I'd barely imagined.  When she was killed by an Indie raid the emotional trauma was etched into my being.  It left me cold.  Ice Queen hadn't been a bad code for me back then.  I'd enjoyed physical comfort, but love wasn't something I thought I would, or would even want to, find.

Imrhien changed that.  I'd fallen in love with her, and couldn't have her, and it hurt.  The kind of pain the old Master's would say was good.  If you can feel pain, you know you're alive.  And somehow, through her, Sabrina and I found each other.  We'd come from wildly different worlds but we'd been a good couple.  Good living together.  Good in bed.  Supportive.

While it lasted.

We'd seen the breakup coming long before it happened, but it hadn't made it any easier.  Maybe it had been a mistake in the first place.  Our worlds had been very, very, far apart.  Not just our backgrounds, but even our professional and political lives.  Empathizing with the Independent cause didn't make me a Browncoat.  Having friends high in the movement, even today, didn't change the fact that during the War I'd been what I was.  "Special Asset: Tactical."  There was a lot of blood on my hands and most of it wasn't Reaver.

Simon was . . . different.  I'd had male lovers over the years.  That wasn't the issue.  Never considered marrying one, but that wasn't the issue either.  The issue was I wasn't in love with him.  I liked him, sure.  But I hadn't felt that spark.  Either of them, actually.  The one that made you smile when you remembered who you were going home to, and the other one you felt when you remembered what you'd be doing after you got home.

Not that I couldn't.  Simon was attractive enough, and a good man since we'd been travelling together.  Fact was, we knew each other's backgrounds and that was a blessing of sorts.  And a curse.  With another spook, you never quite knew whether what you perceived in their behavior was real or part of a cover.  That we'd talked about being a couple to the outside world to further our covers didn't help.  That he hadn't taken me to bed didn't help either.  Or maybe it did, on some level.  Unless he was Sly.  Not that I thought he was, but it would explain him not taking me to bed.

Just wasn't sure this flight would be enough time to fall in love with someone.  Not that I actually needed to be in love with him to go through with a wedding.  Wouldn't even be breaking with tradition, seeing how a lot of weddings were still arranged and made as much out of obligation as anything else.  Some of them even turned into real, loving, successful marriages.  Just never thought I'd be in a position to have to make that sort of a choice.

Point of decision
Marry for love or honor
Perhaps not at all?

The one wherin the social situation becomes rather more complicated

I was never quite sure whether Simon actually fancied me, or if his wanting to initiate a relationship was part of a very elaborate cover we could both use to professional advantage.  He'd said as much once, early on, before he built the farmhouse and I moved in after KHI redeployed the orbital.  Our relationship could be just for show, since it would make things a bit easier for our respective covers if we appeared hitched.  But he'd also said he loved me.  But now?  Now I wasn't sure what to think.

After being on an Op for way too long.  After dropping so far off the grid that even his network didn't know where he was, and I knew, since I'd jacked it.  After an orphan girl shows up on my doorstep at Lily's suggestion.  After all that, he comes back.  Not just back, but back with news I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable with.

I knew Sabrina and I would end up with an actual divorce.  Wasn't really wanting it, but it was what it was.  She'd left.  I'd let her.  Not an acrimonious ending, but an ending nonetheless.  I'd held on to the marriage on the off chance she'd come back.  And, if she didn't, I could still say I was married as a way to keep potential suitors at bay.  Not that I had any.  'Cept Simon.  Wasn't like I was alone every night either.  A Registered Companion can work wonders for a mood, as can a friend with benefits.  Was part of the understanding.  Someone keeping the bed warm when the one you love is half way across the 34 Tauri system doesn't mean you don't love them.  Just means you need a little warmth.

What I hadn't expected was Simon to come back to Dragon's Egg with papers from a court way to high to be dealing with divorce settlements, declaring it done and over.  All I had to do was confirm and sign.  More then that, he had a fancy engagement ring with him and said he'd spoken to my folks to get their approval before he proposed for real.  How he'd pulled that off, I wasn't sure.  Even if he'd slipped through my net, Mother would have sent me a wave to tell me he'd come.  If not, Father certainly would have.  Just the thrill of a man taking interest in me would be enough for that.  And Grandfather?  Simon had connections at least as far up the food chain as mine, which would get him an audience with Grandfather.  But him not sending a wave?

Something didn't seem quite right in the whole situation.  But I'd figure that out.  While I hadn't agreed to marry him, at least not yet, I'd at least agreed to make the flight back to Ariel to see my folks.  Bit of a vacation.  Sort of.  Officially, I had Leave coming and, somehow, Simon'd gotten Tag to authorize me taking an extended leave.  Thing was, my other role wasn't really something I could step away from for any length of time.  The network was still too tenuous, too fragile, for me to just leave it be.  Yes, I had competent people in place.  But that didn't mean my rapidly budding network could run itself.

There would be a lot to work out.  Wasn't sure I was ready to get hitched.  Not so soon after ending it with 'Brina.  Not even sure I want to be married to a man, though it'd make Father happy.  Much as I love him, chances of me giving him the grandson he wants is pretty slim.  Not sure I'm willing to marry someone who hasn't taken me to bed.  Tradition or not, there's something to be said for knowing what you're getting in to.  Or what's getting in to you, as the case may be.  A lot of traditions in the 'Verse, and mucha s he's said he doesn't want to change me I can't see getting hitched before you know if you're compatible in bed.  Wouldn't be such an issue if 'no sex afore weddin'' didn't usually come with 'you're expected to not be beddin' anyone else.'  May not be an issue, but it was something 'Brina and I'd worked out.  Not going to be there to keep the bed warm, it's ok to have someone keep the bed warm.  Just so long as you didn't get anything you didn't intend to keep, and it was just a beddin.

We'd have time on the flight though.  Why he'd picked an old 'Fly for the trip I didn't know, but we'd have time to sort things out.

Maybe.

Orphan

I've never been big on failure.  An overdeveloped drive towards success has been ingrained into me since childhood.  I can blame some of it on my family clinging to parts of traditional Japanese culture that go back centuries before the Exodus, and some of it on my own deep seated desire to live up to my Grandfather's expectations.  An individual failure was acceptable if, and only if, one was to face that failure and overcome it.  Failure was an option under some circumstances.  Giving up was not.

As a Soldier and Spook I had been successful.  At least within the definitions of success for the roles I filled.  I'd even managed to succeed in managing a small mining colony as their Mayor.  Again, within the bounds set by the role.   Conditions on Hale's Moon had improved while I was their Mayor, even if everyone hadn't been happy with all of my decisions.  That was to be expected too.  It was hard to please everyone, but the job hadn't been to keep everyone happy, but to try and keep them alive and maybe bring a little prosperity to an arid little rock in the middle of nowhere.

The only part of my life I look at and see failures is in personal relationships.  Losing Caitlin, longer ago than I care to remember now, was the first.  I'd had to create a new small alter here on Dragon's Egg at the anniversary since the one on Hale's was, well, gone.  I'd tried infrequently since and thought I'd finally found it with Sabrina.  But that didn't work either.  Even Simon had gone off on a mission and then just dropped off the face of the 'Verse.

All that had worked was the girls.  Sort of.  My adopted daughters were a whole different sort of relationship.  But had that even worked?  Lily and AuroraBlue were my girls, but ultimately I didn't seem to have much sway in their lives.  An anchor, maybe.  One person in the whole 'Verse who didn't want to study them or use them for their own agenda.  I just wanted them to be happy and safe and give them some genuine love, and I'm not sure I succeeded on anything but the love part.

Though, now, a new factor was being inserted into the equation.

She goes by Medusa, though I don't rightly know why she'd have that particular mythical namesake.  An Orphan who'd somehow gotten caught up with the Companion's Guild, Svetlana and her crew, and then crossed paths with Lily.  She was desperate for a real home and a mother figure to provide guidance and Lily thought I'd be just the one.

I knew there were reasons Svetlana couldn't take her on as an actual 'mother' figure, but there was a real question as to whether I would be suitable either.  There were a lot of factors in my life that were . . . hidden.  Not just my work.  But some of my relationships.  None of them appropriate for a youngun, not that I couldn't keep them hidden as I had.  There would just be this undercurrent of secrecy that she would pick up on and either probe or just learn to deal with.

But, for now, I'd play the Foster Mother role the 'Verse has dropped in my lap.  She may stay on a while.  She may go back with Svetlana and her crew, or she may go off with Genni Foxtrot and her brood.  Regardless,  I'd take her in for now.  There was a finite possibility that she was a plant to get through to my network, but I was already working back down that angle.  Taken at face value, she was a youngun in need.  Before Hale's I'd have shrugged and moved on.  Not my issue.  Now, for better or worse, I'd do what I could.