Burning holes in the Black

Things are not as the should have been. But they are as they should be.

Lily used to say that, or some variant of it, fairly often. I never really knew exactly what she meant by it until very recently. Now that I understand? The meaning has become clear, but how should it have been? That's the part I just can't see. No matter how hard I try, I can't get the potential to crystallize. But who am I kidding? I'm a rational woman and I can analyze the potential outcome of a situation. But I'm no precog. I can't see the future.

Right now, we're en-route to Ariel once again. We've got to pick up 'Brina on the platform, but once we have her it'll be an unspecified course to Ariel at close to maximum burn. I hadn't even filed a flight plan when we took off from Hale's. Just let them know we were outbound for the core and would file a plan later. Our obvious destination was Ariel, but there were quite a few options for a high performance boat like Wave Equation. And very few boats out here on the Rim would have a chance to catch us once we cleared atmo.

I knew we were doing the right thing. Even with my inexperience with motherhood, I knew that it would be better to raise Aurora on Ariel with my family than out on Hale's Moon. The creche was safe, but not when people would be actively looking to do harm to the child involved. There was no doubt there would be people seeking to, if not actively harm Aurora, do things that were far from her best interest.

When I was in the service, there was more than one occasion where my duty included directly deciding who lived and who died. Didn't matter whether the uniforms were purple and gray or brown and whatever. I chose who lived and who died. It was never easy then, mostly because I have a conscience, Now though? The rational decision was a piece of cake. The emotional one, not so easy.

The mother in me wanted Aurora to stay. While I knew she would be safe, well cared for, well educated, and well loved, living on Ariel with my folks, some deep seated part of me wanted her to stay. On another level, that feeling was confusing the hell out of me. I hadn't had a maternal instinct that I was aware of. I hadn't carried Aurora to term, so I didn't have that purely biological bond. But I do love her as my own. Which is even more confusing, since Lily is, technically if not genetically, her mother.

I don't like confusion.

I know though, Aurora will be safe with my folks. Mother's already ready for her, though she only knows a part of the story. They'll raise her right, and we'll be there as often as is practical to make sure she is.

I just hope Lily and Krenshar can forgive me for taking her away. Lily's still going through her reset and Krenshar's acting, well, as I've never seen him act before. They consider her their daughter, and I've gone and taken her from them.

It's the right thing to do.

It's just not the easy thing to do.