To wait by the sea for a tide that never comes

I haven't seen Simon in weeks.  It's not entirely unusual, though I had hoped we would be able to extricate ourselves from our respective roles enough to try and become an actual couple.  It is what it is.  Ultimately, it's little different from my marriage to Sabrina.  We spent more time apart than together.  While the times together were spectacular, they were infrequent and often interrupted by circumstances beyond our control.

Of course, my life has led me to accept long periods of being alone.  Some would say Spooks are always alone, even when they are with the person they love.  Sadly, I've come to believe it's true.  Married or not.  In a crowd or not.  I am alone.

Except for Haley.

Right now, I don't want to be alone.  Though, technically, I'm not.  Haley is here with me, her baleful howls both annoying and endearing.  She doesn't really understand why I've been sitting on a lounge chair under Wave Equation's wing, looking out over the ocean near my personal vacation spot on Dragon's Egg's "far side" away from the settlement.  She's a dog.  She doesn't need to really understand.  She does what she does, which is sit in my lap and try and make me feel better.  Forty thousand years of parallel evolution has bred this into her very genes, and bred the response into mine.  A tight hug, and burying my face in her fur to hide the tears.

But the tears come unbidden.

Lily is gone.

On some level, I know she can't really be gone.  Not in the same sense that "normal" people are gone when they die.  Lily's shell was artificial.  I'm actually fairly sure we could bring the shell back . . . on-line?  Probably not accurate, but as close as anyone will get.  There are still two people who know how she worked.  With effort, I'm confident they could bring her back.  Assuming we could get the shell back from Al Raqui's desert born.

Who am I kidding.  If I choose to recover my daughter's shell there is little chance they could stop me, even if they knew I was coming.

But what of her Ghost?  She's bee broadcasting since she's been alive.  I know Blue's been listening.  I've been listening.  I don't know what it means, but Blue does.  Sinclair probably does too, in her own way.  But Blue hasn't been talking to me and Sinclair?  I don't think she can dumb it down enough to explain it to me in words I would understand.  I'm not stupid, but when it comes to the kind of maths she's talking about, I'm not sure anyone else understands it.  Except Blue.  Maybe.

I feel empty.  A crowd wouldn't help.  Playing chess with Niki, or having coffee with Cory, or hanging out with Genni and her family, wouldn't make it better.  Haley helps.  Simon would help, if he were around.  AuroraBlue could help too.  Though I doubt the Tiny Dragon would show that kind of emotion.  But none of them can fill the empty spot.  No one can replace my little girl.

"Blue.  I know you can hear me.  Just . . . sometimes, I wish you'd say something."

I sit by the sea
Alone, waves coming ashore
Rolling up the beach

Signal fades to noise
Tides ebb and flow like our lives
Memories remain

Emptiness inside
A void as big as the sea
Begging to be filled

But some things once lost
Can not then be recovered
Only remembered

Love transcends the shell
Your ghost will ride the signal
I miss you, Mei Mei