The long flight home

My Matagi, Wave Equation, could make the run from Hale's Moon, well, Dragon's Egg, now, to Ariel in around two days.  That was assuming average orbital distances and running at maximum efficient cruise.  I could do it faster, but the extra fuel burn wasn't really worth it.  Depending on how you set your course and whether you punched in a mid-trip burn, you could do it in a 'Fly in less then a week.

We weren't setting any records for speed on this trip.

Simon had plotted several stops along with way, ostensibly to pick up fresh food and supplies and give Meddie a chance to stretch her legs and see the surface on a few of the worlds along the route.   The real reason was to give us more time together to get to actually know each other.  Near as I could tell, his mind had been long made up.  He wouldn't have braved talking to Grandfather if he wasn't serious.  Thing was, I still had misgivings.

When I'd fallen for Caitlin I was, admittedly, young and naive and a bit sexually repressed.  Ok.  More than a bit.  She'd opened my eyes, so to speak, to things I'd barely imagined.  When she was killed by an Indie raid the emotional trauma was etched into my being.  It left me cold.  Ice Queen hadn't been a bad code for me back then.  I'd enjoyed physical comfort, but love wasn't something I thought I would, or would even want to, find.

Imrhien changed that.  I'd fallen in love with her, and couldn't have her, and it hurt.  The kind of pain the old Master's would say was good.  If you can feel pain, you know you're alive.  And somehow, through her, Sabrina and I found each other.  We'd come from wildly different worlds but we'd been a good couple.  Good living together.  Good in bed.  Supportive.

While it lasted.

We'd seen the breakup coming long before it happened, but it hadn't made it any easier.  Maybe it had been a mistake in the first place.  Our worlds had been very, very, far apart.  Not just our backgrounds, but even our professional and political lives.  Empathizing with the Independent cause didn't make me a Browncoat.  Having friends high in the movement, even today, didn't change the fact that during the War I'd been what I was.  "Special Asset: Tactical."  There was a lot of blood on my hands and most of it wasn't Reaver.

Simon was . . . different.  I'd had male lovers over the years.  That wasn't the issue.  Never considered marrying one, but that wasn't the issue either.  The issue was I wasn't in love with him.  I liked him, sure.  But I hadn't felt that spark.  Either of them, actually.  The one that made you smile when you remembered who you were going home to, and the other one you felt when you remembered what you'd be doing after you got home.

Not that I couldn't.  Simon was attractive enough, and a good man since we'd been travelling together.  Fact was, we knew each other's backgrounds and that was a blessing of sorts.  And a curse.  With another spook, you never quite knew whether what you perceived in their behavior was real or part of a cover.  That we'd talked about being a couple to the outside world to further our covers didn't help.  That he hadn't taken me to bed didn't help either.  Or maybe it did, on some level.  Unless he was Sly.  Not that I thought he was, but it would explain him not taking me to bed.

Just wasn't sure this flight would be enough time to fall in love with someone.  Not that I actually needed to be in love with him to go through with a wedding.  Wouldn't even be breaking with tradition, seeing how a lot of weddings were still arranged and made as much out of obligation as anything else.  Some of them even turned into real, loving, successful marriages.  Just never thought I'd be in a position to have to make that sort of a choice.

Point of decision
Marry for love or honor
Perhaps not at all?